Dear Reader,

I hope, for your sake, that you have not chosen to read this book because you are in the mood for a pleasant experience. If this is the case, I advise you to put this book down instantaneously, because of all the books describing the unhappy lives of the Baudelaire orphans, The Miserable Mill might be the unhappiest yet. Violet, Klaus, and Sunny Baudelaire are sent to Paltryville to work in a lumber mill, and they find disaster and misfortune lurking behind every log.

The pages of this book, I’m sorry to inform you, contain such unpleasantries as a giant pincher machine, a bad casserole, a man with a cloud of smoke where his head should be, a hypnotist, a terrible accident resulting in injury, and coupons.

I have promised to write down the entire history of these three poor children, but you haven’t, so if you prefer stories that are more heartwarming, please feel free to make another selection.

With all due respect,

Lemony Snicket

“Optimist” is a word which here refers to a person, such as Phil, who thinks hopeful and pleasant thoughts about nearly everything. For instance, if an optimist had his left arm chewed off by an alligator, he might say, in a pleasant and hopeful voice, “Well, this isn’t too bad. I don’t have my left arm anymore, but at least nobody will ever ask me whether I am right-handed or left-handed,” but most of us would say something more along the lines of “Aaaaah! My arm! My arm!”

My favorite thing about these books is the author commentary throughout it. It makes it so hilarious and punny and really makes me like Lemony Snicket as an author. Although it does make it almost that much worse that the Baudelaires have to go through so much crap because they live in a world where these adults they have to deal with are completely useless. It’s ridiculous, but I bet that’s what we would feel like if we were in these shoes.

It also makes me realize that Violet needs to learn way more words, and read way more like her brother Klaus. Since Klaus is mostly incapacitated during this book, she has to do the job for both of them, and there’s a chapter where she is reading a book and for all the words that she doesn’t understand, she would “hmm” in its place. I guess book nerds learn a lot more than non-book nerds! Is that me being biased? Not at all! Just look at Violet, who has to “hmm” her way through a book trying to figure out how to get someone to be unhypnotized, among other things.

Hmm.

Rated: 4/5 ★