Hola everyone. I hope you’re doing okay.
I think I needed a break from posting all of these reviews and stuff. Or at least, I needed to have a break of just seeing all of those blog tour posts. I love them, but then I think about all the books that I still haven’t reviewed and I get all cringe about it.
So anyway. Back to the point I was supposed to try and make!
If you’re wondering what point I was trying to make, you’re right in that I didn’t even say anything in the first place! I’m pretty scatterbrained… something that I seriously need to get checked on but I keep putting it off. But that’s another conversation for another day.
Anyway, I was thinking about all of the things that I’ve been wanting to do in the book community. How a lot of those things have been shut down because of how I feel in this community now. I honestly don’t think that I’ve truly felt welcome back into this world since everything with HOV and just how quick people were to condemn me as a person. Clearly it’s still affecting me because those initial feelings of being at home in a place where I’m surrounded by people that loved books as much as I did are gone. I don’t feel comfortable being myself anymore. I don’t feel comfortable even being on Twitter anymore, to the point that I really don’t have a presence on there. I barely talk about anything I want to talk about on Instagram either, even though I feel like people on Instagram are nicer? It’s weird because the people that seem nice on Instagram can be so cruel on Twitter and that’s just something I don’t understand.
It’s gotten to the point that I can’t even bring myself to actually move forward with my dream organization because I’m just so afraid that people will shun it immediately because it’s attached to me. It’s part of why I’ve been so silent about it for so long because I don’t want it to be at a disadvantage solely because I created it. Well, would have created it.
What does all of that have to do with “going back to old projects”, anyway?
Well, I want to be able to find away to reset myself in this world. To somehow let go of all of the hurt and pain that I’ve felt being here, all of the guilt that people made me feel for feeling the way I do and having the gall to tell me that I don’t have the right to feel the way I do because I’m “making fun of someone else” who is feeling the same way. What even is that?
Long story short, and since there’s so much I want to say on here but out of fear of having a repeat of everything that happened last year, I won’t say what I really want to say except that I’ll eventually get back to these dreams that I wanted to do. I’m sure that I won’t even talk about them publicly because of my fears above. But one day they will happen, and no matter what anyone else has to say about it, about me, I will be proud of my accomplishments. It’s about time for me to find my passion in what I love again, and it’s time for me to finally release the words of people who truly don’t and shouldn’t have any power over me, my self-esteem, and my self-worth.
Did that help to let out my hurt? A little, but not completely. Will I get better? Eventually.