You ever have that urge to just write even though you have no idea what you really want to write about? I think that’s the kind of feeling I’m feeling today. Which is weird because I haven’t felt like writing in so long but there’s just something in my brain that needs to come out. While I may not talk about all of those feelings here, I definitely want to get some of these things out on the keyboard and maybe this will help me get back into the flow of writing again. Gosh, this sounds so terrible. The grammar is ridiculous but let’s face it. Do we always talk in a proper way? I type how I talk when it comes to my blog, so it’s probably going to sound like you’re listening to me ramble. If you’ve stuck around, I appreciate you so much and it means the world to me.

I probably feel like this because of the book I’m currently reading. Oh gosh, am I actually still actively reading? I totally am! Even though sometimes it feels like I’m not. But I think that’s because there was this one year where I read over 200 books and I know that I will never push myself to get to that number again. Hell no, fam. That was way too much pressure and a lot of that was because of all of the reviews I owed. Never again. While I read the most that year, that wasn’t the most fun year of my reading journey. I almost said career – lol like we’ve figured out how to make this our full time job yet – but nope. When someone figures out the answer, please share it with the rest of us. Pretty please?

Wow that was the kind of tangent that I didn’t think I would go into today but there we go. Anyway, I was talking about the current book I’m reading. It’s one of the books that was sent to me by St. Martins and Wednesday Books, which I’m actually pretty disappointed that they haven’t really addressed the Palestine situation and readers and authors are still waiting for them. So while I totally forgot about that, I figured that out and I won’t be reviewing this book until they do what they need to do. I know a lot of the people in the book community know what I’m referring to, but if not, here’s a link with more info: https://r4a.carrd.co/ This is courtesy of the IG account @readersforaccountability and you should go check them out.

I messed up though, because I didn’t realize this when I was posting about receiving the book and taking it on me with some daily adventures to make some reels and content out of it, so I did already mention it on my Instagram. But I won’t be posting my review until afterwards. It’s such a cute book though, and the two main characters really remind me of me, and it’s making me wonder if I am neurodivergent but was never officially diagnosed. If I am or if I’m not, it would be nice to know. To not feel every single day that something is wrong with me because I can either be all in for a hobby that I have for a week and then leave to the wayside for six years. You know? There’s other things that I relate to that both of the main characters do and seeing main characters share some of my same characteristics is eye opening and makes me feel seen.

It’s no secret that I’ve been struggling a lot lately with my mental health, and it gets to the point that I feel like people are just tired of seeing me talk about it. Maybe that’s me projecting how I feel on myself, because I’m tired of talking about and feeling this way. Despite the doctor visits and the medications and taking steps to try to feel better, it feels like nothing is working. I’m in the process of trying to find another psychiatrist to help me get back on regular medication, and a part of me makes me wonder if this will help. Most of the time, when I am on my anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication, I feel a sense of near balance. It’s not perfect, and I’m not always happy, but at least I don’t feel like the days are just never going to get better. I’ve also been feeling really sick lately too, which isn’t good because it makes it hard to get through the day. Even yesterday, after I had a really great photoshoot, I ended up spending the night throwing up. Which was so weird and not usual and I hated it. Sorry if that may be triggering to some people. That’s the last I’ll mention it.

I don’t even really know where I was going with this post. I just needed to write again. I miss writing. I miss writing for my blog. I miss trying to write novels. There’s at least two that I started and never came back to that I really wanted to. I want to, I mean. I just can’t seem to find that inspiration again. Or motivation. It’s the motivation for me. I just always feel like I want to sleep forever. Even now, I’d rather just be home and sleep rather than trying to work, and then I also have to go to my other job tonight, and I’m just not feeling it at all. Not like I don’t like any of my jobs, but I’m just burnt out. In a perpetual state of burnt out-ness. If that’s even a real word.

At least the feeling is out. Time to nap or something.